I can't number the times I have wished I had a week to do this or a week to do that without interruption. Well, now I've got it and I don't know what to do with it.
There is this nagging that I need to hurry up and get a job so the income will continue to come in. I need to "do" something. That's always been easy for me. I can "do" all day, come away tired and not be sure what I have accomplished. In fact, sometimes the doing keeps me from facing the nagging questions in my heart.
What is my destiny? What has God called me to do? If I were a mechanic I would easily surmise that I was to be working in some type of garage fixing things. If I were an optometrist, like a close friend of mine, it would seem only logical to help people find sight when they are losing it due to aging, etc.
But what about me? I have so many interests and skills that I have acquired over the years. Where do I go with them? What do I do with the blank slate I have before me right now?
I'm 61 years old, more encumbered than ever before in my life and not because I own new cars or have a Harley. It just costs more to live that I would like it to. And moving to some place else might even increase those living expenses. The fact is my $925 mortgage payment (even though it is for 30 years!) is probably cheaper than we could rent an apartment for. Someone I know is renting bedrooms in their home for $500 a month and gets more applications than they have bedrooms for.
So what do I do with the wide open spaces? I'm staring into space. I'm reading and trying to stay busy. Being still and listening seems like such an unnoble (I tried ignoble but it didn't seem to work) thing to be doing. Do I really want to rush to a decision right now and blow it again? I think I've done that a few times in life. Do I have the time to really explore what it is that God has called me to...and I haven't settled in to yet?
Oh, yeah, it scares me to have a blank slate! I'm feeling those baby feelings of fright when first outside the womb and there are no walls to contain me. Help me to feel the containment of your huge hands, Father, where I am afraid.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Giving Back
Finally, I can write on my blog again after a few days of really pesky internest/computer service. Not sure what was going on.
We're two doors from the end of our street. Right across the intersection is a big square of Amish/Mennonite farms. We've been walking around the big square and can do it in about 45 minutes. As soon as I was laid off I thought about that square. There was so much trash that my OCDC...ADHD...ESTJ...um? OCD! kicked in and I had to clean it up.
So I started out the other day after lunch. It was supposed to start raining about 3 pm so I had plenty of time to get things cleaned up. I walked down one way to the corner and back. Then started up another leg of the square, around the corner, down the long stretch and then down the road with a dog leg. I had filled up one bag and was ready to start on my second.
As I started down the road it began to sprinkle but it felt good. I was sweating and it was humid. As I neared the corner just down from our house I debated about turning around but stuck with it. Then it began to really pour. And pour. And pour. I finally had to take my glasses off it was raining so hard. I asked God to sharpen my vision so I could see the trash. By the time I finished I was completely soaked...but it felt good.
So giving back. It's not my trash. It's not my problem. Someone else threw it out. Someone else is a jerk, a litterer, doesn't care. That judgement doesn't pick up the trash, does it? It really boils down to an individual choice. I can give back to my community or I can stand in judgement and use the topic to vent some of my anger at other things. I can take responsibility. I'm sure there are times someone else has picked up things for me.
This is my community and I take pride in seeing it look good. In fact, if I had my mower still I would probably mow the roadsides a little better so it looked even more manicured.
Ah, I can blog again.
We're two doors from the end of our street. Right across the intersection is a big square of Amish/Mennonite farms. We've been walking around the big square and can do it in about 45 minutes. As soon as I was laid off I thought about that square. There was so much trash that my OCDC...ADHD...ESTJ...um? OCD! kicked in and I had to clean it up.
So I started out the other day after lunch. It was supposed to start raining about 3 pm so I had plenty of time to get things cleaned up. I walked down one way to the corner and back. Then started up another leg of the square, around the corner, down the long stretch and then down the road with a dog leg. I had filled up one bag and was ready to start on my second.
As I started down the road it began to sprinkle but it felt good. I was sweating and it was humid. As I neared the corner just down from our house I debated about turning around but stuck with it. Then it began to really pour. And pour. And pour. I finally had to take my glasses off it was raining so hard. I asked God to sharpen my vision so I could see the trash. By the time I finished I was completely soaked...but it felt good.
So giving back. It's not my trash. It's not my problem. Someone else threw it out. Someone else is a jerk, a litterer, doesn't care. That judgement doesn't pick up the trash, does it? It really boils down to an individual choice. I can give back to my community or I can stand in judgement and use the topic to vent some of my anger at other things. I can take responsibility. I'm sure there are times someone else has picked up things for me.
This is my community and I take pride in seeing it look good. In fact, if I had my mower still I would probably mow the roadsides a little better so it looked even more manicured.
Ah, I can blog again.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Filing Unemployment
In all my years with all my jobs I have never filed unemployment. It was scary to do that online this morning. They referred me to a listing of jobs that were available in the category that I selected--management. But it was very intimidating to realize I need to go out and sell myself to someone who is also trying to sell themselves to me. I don't like the artificial atmosphere that presents.
In the past I've always worked the network of friends and contacts I've had to find a position that fits me. I'll admit to rushing into several situations because of the fear of not having steady income. But here in Lancaster County I really don't have that great a network of friends and associates. In fact, I'm struggling to know who to contact. In some ways that leaves me with only the Father to lean on. It's a new venture to step out in this way and to trust that he knows where he wants me and where I'll land up.
I want to take this time to really explore what is in my heart. It is so easy to just take something and shape yourself to it. It has led to frustration to me at times in the past. I get in a situation and feel that I am tied up, tied down and restricted from doing what I can really do.
I have been likened to a stallion. I can bring life to things but I do it with a lot of kicking, biting and passion along the way. Many people don't know how to deal with a stallion and don't want the wildness so they geld the stallion. That calms him down but also takes away the ability to bring life (John Eldredge).
I want to make a difference in life. I want to impact the world I live in. I want to touch the lives of those I work with. I want to contribute to bettering the world rather than just taking from it. I see so much need but am not sure where to apply my gifts to help meet that need.
On the journey.
In the past I've always worked the network of friends and contacts I've had to find a position that fits me. I'll admit to rushing into several situations because of the fear of not having steady income. But here in Lancaster County I really don't have that great a network of friends and associates. In fact, I'm struggling to know who to contact. In some ways that leaves me with only the Father to lean on. It's a new venture to step out in this way and to trust that he knows where he wants me and where I'll land up.
I want to take this time to really explore what is in my heart. It is so easy to just take something and shape yourself to it. It has led to frustration to me at times in the past. I get in a situation and feel that I am tied up, tied down and restricted from doing what I can really do.
I have been likened to a stallion. I can bring life to things but I do it with a lot of kicking, biting and passion along the way. Many people don't know how to deal with a stallion and don't want the wildness so they geld the stallion. That calms him down but also takes away the ability to bring life (John Eldredge).
I want to make a difference in life. I want to impact the world I live in. I want to touch the lives of those I work with. I want to contribute to bettering the world rather than just taking from it. I see so much need but am not sure where to apply my gifts to help meet that need.
On the journey.
I'm learning how to log-in and log-out to my blog. Old dog, new tricks.
One of the things I've always struggled with is the voices in my head. Unfortunately, I am like to many of us walking this earth...I didn't always hear the most uplifting encouragement along the way. Having people in your life early on who help to draw out or rather help to keep out the real you as you mature is a rarity.
One of the illustrations in the book I mentioned yesterday is telling. Take a survey in a kindergarten class. Ask how many kids are creative and all of them will wildly wave their hands. Ask the same question later in their high school years and only a few will tentatively lift their hands with the same "yes" to creativity. Created in the image of God to be creative, we have somehow lost that vision of who we are.
I was wiggly, energetic, curious and easily bored and keeping me occupied and "on track" was a challenge. I was and still am a dreamer. One of the things that helps me get up and keep going each morning is the hope of something more exciting, some adventure joining the mundane of my daily activities. In order to keep me from being disappointed, I was encouraged to tone down my dreams, keep things in check and learn to live "within my means."
The only problem with that is I believe God meant for me to live outside the boundaries. He gave me a heart to take risks and a desire to experience adventure. I was meant to chase lions, to do valiant things and to live outside the norm. It has scared the bejeebers out of my parents.
So today at 61 I am again experiencing unemployment. No job to go to. No desk to be chained to. Could be scary...but it could also be the beginning of a new adventure.
One of the things I've always struggled with is the voices in my head. Unfortunately, I am like to many of us walking this earth...I didn't always hear the most uplifting encouragement along the way. Having people in your life early on who help to draw out or rather help to keep out the real you as you mature is a rarity.
One of the illustrations in the book I mentioned yesterday is telling. Take a survey in a kindergarten class. Ask how many kids are creative and all of them will wildly wave their hands. Ask the same question later in their high school years and only a few will tentatively lift their hands with the same "yes" to creativity. Created in the image of God to be creative, we have somehow lost that vision of who we are.
I was wiggly, energetic, curious and easily bored and keeping me occupied and "on track" was a challenge. I was and still am a dreamer. One of the things that helps me get up and keep going each morning is the hope of something more exciting, some adventure joining the mundane of my daily activities. In order to keep me from being disappointed, I was encouraged to tone down my dreams, keep things in check and learn to live "within my means."
The only problem with that is I believe God meant for me to live outside the boundaries. He gave me a heart to take risks and a desire to experience adventure. I was meant to chase lions, to do valiant things and to live outside the norm. It has scared the bejeebers out of my parents.
So today at 61 I am again experiencing unemployment. No job to go to. No desk to be chained to. Could be scary...but it could also be the beginning of a new adventure.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Getting Started on a New Venture
I usually do better writing in the morning but since we got this started I guess I better begin posting stuff.
I got the idea of the name of my blog from a book my mother-in-law gave me on a recent trip to VA. Her pastor had given it to all the men in the congregation. As my Father has done in the past, he put a book in my hands that I needed at just the right time.
It's called In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. It's based on a passage in 2 Samuel 23:20-21. Having read through the Bible several times I don't ever recall seeing this verse and thinking I need to make it my life verse. But it has struck a chord with me at this time in my life.
I believe in my heart of hearts that I was born to be a risk-taker. Unfortunately, I had some dear parents who had been raised in fear and passed that on to me. I know they didn't mean to crush that risk taking heart. They merely wanted to protect me. But they cautioned me about taking risks and being careful.
I'm not sure how careful you can be and follow Jesus. I mean really follow Jesus. He certainly wasn't very careful. He wasn't even nice sometimes. Isn't that what we have been taught about him? He is a nice god. And we should be nice like him. I believe that is why the world is in the shape it is now--because the church has focused on raising nice Christians and not Christians who go out and chase lions around. Christians who go to war against the enemy.
So here we are in Lancaster County, a place I once cursed when I left it in 1992 (and have since repented of and blessed). It was as obvious as night and day that the door was open for us to move here. But we've had our fingers pinched in the door a couple of times since we got here. Does that mean we made a mistake? No, I don't believe so. We just didn't end up where God wanted us to be.
He didn't want me to work with my son-in-law in his business. I could speculate on why but it doesn't matter. He also didn't want me to work with Groff's either because that ended in 9 months. By the way, that is a record of short employment for me. I take that back. I did work one job only a month before moving on. But this certainly isn't what I wanted at 61.
But I have a clean slate now. An opportunity to ask the Father, "Why do you really want us in Lancaster County? Where am I to be who you created me to be? Who am I to associate with? Who am I to serve?" And also, "What lions do you want me to chase?"
Tomorrow morning I'll probably file for unemployment. I'll update my resume. I may go walking and pick up some trash around my neighborhood. And I'll listen. Help me to hear you Father when you speak in your still small voice. Whisper your guidance into my ear. Let my will be your will and any glory be yours.
Dosfedanya--goodbye in Russian.
I got the idea of the name of my blog from a book my mother-in-law gave me on a recent trip to VA. Her pastor had given it to all the men in the congregation. As my Father has done in the past, he put a book in my hands that I needed at just the right time.
It's called In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. It's based on a passage in 2 Samuel 23:20-21. Having read through the Bible several times I don't ever recall seeing this verse and thinking I need to make it my life verse. But it has struck a chord with me at this time in my life.
I believe in my heart of hearts that I was born to be a risk-taker. Unfortunately, I had some dear parents who had been raised in fear and passed that on to me. I know they didn't mean to crush that risk taking heart. They merely wanted to protect me. But they cautioned me about taking risks and being careful.
I'm not sure how careful you can be and follow Jesus. I mean really follow Jesus. He certainly wasn't very careful. He wasn't even nice sometimes. Isn't that what we have been taught about him? He is a nice god. And we should be nice like him. I believe that is why the world is in the shape it is now--because the church has focused on raising nice Christians and not Christians who go out and chase lions around. Christians who go to war against the enemy.
So here we are in Lancaster County, a place I once cursed when I left it in 1992 (and have since repented of and blessed). It was as obvious as night and day that the door was open for us to move here. But we've had our fingers pinched in the door a couple of times since we got here. Does that mean we made a mistake? No, I don't believe so. We just didn't end up where God wanted us to be.
He didn't want me to work with my son-in-law in his business. I could speculate on why but it doesn't matter. He also didn't want me to work with Groff's either because that ended in 9 months. By the way, that is a record of short employment for me. I take that back. I did work one job only a month before moving on. But this certainly isn't what I wanted at 61.
But I have a clean slate now. An opportunity to ask the Father, "Why do you really want us in Lancaster County? Where am I to be who you created me to be? Who am I to associate with? Who am I to serve?" And also, "What lions do you want me to chase?"
Tomorrow morning I'll probably file for unemployment. I'll update my resume. I may go walking and pick up some trash around my neighborhood. And I'll listen. Help me to hear you Father when you speak in your still small voice. Whisper your guidance into my ear. Let my will be your will and any glory be yours.
Dosfedanya--goodbye in Russian.
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