Words

In my last posting "Fed Up" I was expressing some anger and frustration.  Part of what I was dealing with is the fact that I am sitting at home isolated from people.  I gain energy from people and love to meet new ones or get to know more about the ones I've known for awhile.  I realized today that my words were expressing something that I didn't come right out and say.  I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.  I don't want to just sit back and throw words at situations that I see in the world and not get to do anything of substance to change what I see.

When I was traveling with Theotherapy a number of years ago I did several blocks of teaching on communication.  Communication is more than words.  That's why what I am writing in my blog doesn't communicate all that is going on for me to you.  I was telling you something with black and white words and you weren't able to ask me questions for clarification, observe my body language, hear my intonation of the words I used or fully understand all that I was saying.

The problem is that too many times we hear words, get a perception of what that person is saying and walk off without clearly understanding what they are trying to communicate.

An example from our marriage: I used to come in after a hard day at work and start in on Pat about the things she didn't get done that day.  I didn't bother to ask her what challenges she faced during her day, how difficult it was for her at work or in tending to the children.  It was about me.  I was frustrated...and wasn't even able to articulate that to her.

Over the course of the years and with lots of healing on both ends of the conversation Pat got to where she could recognize my frustration.  She learned that the words coming out of my mouth weren't aimed at her and not to take them personally.  She realized that she needed to ask me what was going on.  

At first, I couldn't tell her.  I wasn't aware of what was going on.  I hadn't been asked to articulate my frustrations.  Most of the times, no one wanted to listen to them.  Or if I did state my frustrations someone shamed me for feeling that way, not bothering to get to the bottom of the words.

Over time while we practiced this exercise I learned to identify what was really bothering me and speak to that issue and not pick on Pat, her motherly abilities or her house cleaning techniques.  At the same time I was learning how to really hear Pat and what she was saying when she was struggling with something.

As time went on we have both learned how to recognize our feelings and express them without disguise.  Now when I am frustrated, I can identify that and can usually with the help of the Holy Spirit see into what is really eating at me.  The conflict that Pat and I experience has been greatly reduced and we can get to the heart of the matter before we bludgeon each other with words.

That's what I really see in our political arena.  There are persons who are fanning the fires of fear that we all have about where our country and world are headed to.  There are those on both sides of the political spectrum that are determined to make the other "side" a villain.  There are many of us in our culture who are bent on shaming others to do what they think is right.

The problem is...and I see this in the political arena...sometimes the words aren't so easily recognizable as inflammatory.  Sometimes people speak very quietly but cut like a knife with their words.  We have more trouble identifying those persons and discovering their real motives. 

For those of you who know me, you usually don't have to speculate how I feel about something.  It's right out there.  It's easier to attack my frankness because it's so obvious than the slick words of some who are inciting a riot while appearing to be emitting flowers of peace.

Here's where we as listeners need to ask some probing questions.  What  is really behind the words being said?  What are the emotions that are coloring our hearing for both of us--the speaker and the listener?  Are we really hearing what someone is saying or reacting to their words and our interpretation of them?

My belief is that we are not as far apart about many of the critical issues as appears on the surface.  And that's where we need to get to.  We need to get to the point where we stop reacting to some one's words and going on the defensive.  We need to get to the bottom of them, find common ground for all of us and move forward to change the world.

Do we have to be a liberal or a conservative to balance our budget, meet the needs of those among us who need some help and focus on helping others who need us to lead the way?  I think not.